If I Can't Have You

So excited about this! Thanks for posting!

Now you have me playing detective trying to figure out who spiked her drink. Lol. I might be a bit too speculative on this, but my mind is leaning towards Caleb or Chris. Especially since they were the only people left alone with her drink while she went to the bathroom & everyone else was out having a smoke break. Not to mention, she seemed fine until she finished the last of that drink her coworker bought for her. So that means it wasn’t spiked when he brought it to her, which could only mean it was spiked AFTER it was already at the table. Now I’m pretty sure the both of them aren’t in on this together— it leaves too much room for one party to rat out the other, so I’m pretty sure it can only be one of them, but that’s the bit I can’t figure out. Which one it is.

Does anyone have the original upload of this? If we can find out what was changed it could very well be a clue.

The difference in the dynamic between Ellie and her stalker, depending on if it’s Chris or Caleb is huge and both are super hot.I hate and love not knowing. Right now I’m not even sure who I would rather it be! Please update soon.

I came across this and got hooked on it. You did a marvelous job in introducing the characters, giving them their uniqueness and setting the scene right till the end. There is no way I can know who did it. But I sure am about to click that chapter two button. Thank you for writing this.

I am loving this story still. I really REALLY want the next story which you said is more like Bought and Paid For. But I am HERE for this creepy stalker vibe....

Fuuuuuck! I love it! I was so hoping it was Caleb and I CANNOT wait to find how he makes this happen! Poor Ellie!

Holy doodle. Fantastic start.Thank you so much and kudos!!!

I am re-reading this now that we know the identity is Caleb and I am very much here for it. I always thought it was Caleb but the way in which you spell it out without really spelling it out is AMAZING.

Oh my god. My mouth literally dropped open when I saw the new chapter count. I had a shitty week and an even shittier day but I don't have to work tomorrow and I just poured myself a drink and this MADE MY NIGHT. I haven't even read the new chapter yet. I'm still trying to decide how far back to start reading!!!! Maybe I'll reread the whole fucking thing if I have the self control to manage it.

I’m rereading this story for the nth time now- you have no idea how obsessed I am. Maybe because I also work a 9-9 job and the main character, thus the situation is so relatable in a way.

Im sorry but whoever did that is certified loser😭 Thats so childish and silly lmfaooo

This is the kind of story that is so good I am like, already sad that later I will have read the new chapter, and will be back to the usual state of affairs where there is no new content. I know that's insane, but it is a mark of how much I love this fic. Like I know I am going to love the chapter, and I really hope this doesn't sound ungrateful it's just I know I'm going to have that "all the presents are open on Christmas" let-down feeling, and I'm old and anxious enough to start worrying about it even before I start re-reading this lololololololololololololololol....Also I am VERY nervous about what happens in the new chapter. Also thank you for it.THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU.

I guess I've made my choice to TRY to start at the beginning... IDK if I have the willpower but....1) The first person in this chapter is really good. And a really interesting choice. I sometimes forget this started out as a story Orla is telling us.... And I love that it gives Orla essentially the opportunity to introduce herself to us. Like I think we get a really different feeling with her saying “I'm socially awkward and a little overweight but I think people still invite me places because I have straight hair and nice teeth” and “I know it's fucked up that I love him, but I don't care” than hearing that from the third person. Also “As long as I’m with him. I’m happy”? Get the fuck out of here Orla... being so perfect and sweet and making me love you like that.2) Caleb is such a fucking asshole and I love him. It is so fun to re-read this knowing what is going on in his head when he's looming over her and making her feel like the smallest thing on planet earth. And probably like... half hard sending her these awful torture emails. Also “No, I’ll work. I have a botched internal summary I have to fix.”? Get the fuck out of her C.H. Trent, Esq … being so perfect and mean and making me love you like that.3) I can't figure out how he spikes her drink? Is it when she goes to the bathroom? Or is it the first beer? And also... did CHRIS spike her drink? I feel like I forgot that he makes sure that she comes, which I feel is TOTALLY intentional. What a good stalker wing man.

Hello,I like your work, it’s dark and abstract.I want to ask if can upgrade the story in more ways.

In retrospect his identity was obvious but at the time it was definitely a mystery. ****SPOILERS: Caleb is so very aware of her throughout this chapter without saying much to her. The description you provided of Caleb was that of a man who was confident and so sure of himself, panty dropper for sure! I loved that he was our protagonist. No offense against Chris, but Caleb’s tall, dark, handsome, and snarky demeanor makes him my type of guy. I was hoping it was him 😍

Hey love you love your work! Do you have an email/other method that we can contact you at for those of us who are too shy to comment in public lol?

Love the story can't wait for the next chapter

Please give us anothet chapter. How will Danny react? Love everything you write. Dee. Ireland.

I haven’t read this yet because I always (now) wait for works to be finished before I read them. But I wanted to tell you you are by far my favorite writer on this platform. I read bought and paid for a couple times a long time ago before it was finished and only a bit ago saw it was finished now and re read it. Anyways I will be reading and rereading all your works over the next week and just wanted to say how much I love all your work!

Hi! In the past few days I’ve been reading everything you have posted on this site—I really enjoy your writing! I’m not usually one to read WIPs but I was on a roll. I was thrilled to subscribe to updates for one thing, then to switch to get all of your updates. Really excited to have found a fantastic writer with such compelling work. I look forward to any updates you may make in the future, but wanted to reach out here and say how much I’ve enjoyed what you’ve posted here as well. I was so emotionally invested in your characters, especially reading this story, Spare the Rod, Savage Love, and Lassoed Hearts!! Thank you!!

Hi there! I’m rereading this story and I just wanted to let you know I’m obsessed by it. You are such a talented writer. Thanks for sharing.

Re-uploading the comment with the proper name 😭 I discovered Max and Jessica’s story like 3 days ago and ever since then I’ve been binged the whole thing and binged this one and I have to tell you I’m in LOVE with with your work 😭 like seriously - your writing, the characters, the subject matter - it’s all so perfect. I’m obsessed. Thank you so much for sharing this with us! ❤️Comment Actions

I'm not even half way through yet but this story has consumed me. If I'm not reading it, I'm thinking about it or dreaming about it. One of the best stories I've ever read tbh and I've been a very active reader in the smutty dark romance community for over a decade. Jfc reading this fic isn't enough, I need to absorb it whole and make it a part of me.

I’m a practicing attorney and the description of Caleb as a ‘mean’ partner is soooooo accurate with the dreaded “please fix” or “needs work” email with no context. This is off to such a great start!!

🖤

Great start! Looking forward to reading more, thanks!

girl…. has to be caleb’s weird ahh

This first chapter was so good,so interesting, I'm excited to read further, Is it lovely Chris or is cruel Caleb?😍

I was struggling to find books to read on KU that interested me and ended up on a reddit forum and learned about AO3 and kept seeing Deathsdoll everywhere. If I can't have you is the first one I clicked on to start reading. I just finished what is available and can't wait to read the completed work. I'm about to dive into everything written by Deathsdoll!

Okay here is my theory, tell me if I’m off:Tallest to Shortest in this Universe:Caleb (If I can’t have you):6’8 Elias (Bought and Paid For/ Service): 6’6 Alexi (Matryoshka….secretly hoping they are in this universe): 6’5 Max (Bought and Paid For/Service/ If I can’t have you): 6’3 Dr. Montgomery (Bought and Paid For/Spare the Rod / In pursuit of Happiness): 6’2Tallest to Shortest girls in this Universe: Orla (Caleb): 5’7 Clara (Dr. Montgomery): 5’5 Athena (Dr. Montgomery): 5’4 Jessica (Max): 5’3 Katarina (Elias): 5’2 Kathryn (Alexi):5’2 Hannah (Elias): 5’0

Okay binged this story when I shouldn't have !! This is my first exposure to your work and it's deeply and darkly compelling. I dont know Furst and I wont find out anything about him by reading his story bc I lowkey already thought moldy monied white guys think like him so whats new.Now, I had a question about Caleb that I hope gets answered in coming chaps. His perception of Ellie's original attitude towards him is largely incorrect, in that she is anxious and his arrogance is so natural to him that he does not perceive it in his own interactions with others. But she's worked so hard to understand him, to see his real motivations - will he ever put in the same effort? That's what I find so compelling about this story since I've joined so far in the narrative. I would understand if Caleb did not look further into Orla's initial reaction to him - he punished her = its over. This makes sense. That's what I love in unreliable narrators, their glaring oversights and flaws. Because if Caleb forever assumes Orlas misreading of his behaviour is solely a purposeful slight, then there's no closure for "Awkward, ugly Orla" par for the course (haha golf pun). And it would make Caleb's "love" fake in a Different way than Orla thinks. Because he never even achieves his goal of truly understanding her. BUT BAD GUYS WIN. So in a way I'm CONVINCED Caleb will see and understand Orla's own perception of his behaviour !! THEN what's compelling is if he cares !!!! Or if it just makes her his sweet dumb bitch who can't read his mind and should never have DARED to misunderstand him !!! Brain washing complete BAD GUYS WIN. There's so many ways this could play out and I'm excited to see where it goes !

Please update soon! Thank you!

I would pay for this to be a hard copy or on a online bookstore ;-;

Is this ever going to be finished?

orla complexity as a character is sooo good! the insecurity, the self loathing, the vulnerability and need for approval. I want a back story of her whole life to understand her psychology further haha I would love to continue reading this if you have time, it is getting me through tough times in my phd

Bought and Paid For? Is that a story you wrote?

I have finished reading this chapter, and I can already tell that I like it a lot. I’m guessing Caleb did this, and if he’s not at the jail by the end of the story, I’ll be MAD. Like pleaseeee don’t make them end up lovey dovey lovers.

I’m rereading this while (not so) patiently waiting for chapter 38! Someone above commented that this story has consumed them and when they’re not reading it they’re thinking about it and I feel so damn validated by that because I’m the same way! This is seriously an amazing story and I can’t wait to see how things progress later.Also it’s super fun to reread knowing who it actually is and how things unfold. I’m noticing things I didn’t pick up on before. Love love love this story!

Hey really love your stuff,Idea for next chapter :FURST invites CC & O to nyc for 3 day bus meeting and gets them into an exclusive BDSM club- and this gets them into a threesome, she said s being disrespectful so Caleb has her blow Chris while he FS her… she’s mad, but likes it they spend the next evenings together.Then this fuels her insecurities and she and Caleb almost break up. But he comes back as her stalker - meaner than ever before wearing his cologne and then over time they make up.I’m as obsessed with your writing as Caleb is with Orla.Keep going!

So good! The tension is escalating. Love how you brought in the characters from Bought and Paid For. My brain wants to analyze what has happened so far, so I can imagine how it will end, but I won't let it. I just love hanging on the cliff and riding the intensity. Such a compelling work. I'm enjoying you leading us through this wild ride to the end. Please take us there soon! My nails can't take much more of this.

Here after reading Bought and Paid for - it was one of the most difficult and riveting readings - Still gets me to ponder about human motivations and behaviors that seem to oppose normalcy and self preservation. Been seeing a lot of mentions about this one on Reddit as well. Intriguing first chapter - can’t wait to read more.

Pahahaha god I love this….rereading for the millionth time -Caleb - “have a good night Orla” aka I’ll sure have a good night at your expense lolAndChris - “try and enjoy your weekend” aka I just drugged the shit out of you and you’re actually going to feel like hell this weekend but my bro is gonna have a good time 😆OMG I’m dying I love these assholes and your writing and the way you write them…so very much🤣

I love love loveeeeeeeeeeee your work....idk if u would believe me but I have read tons of dark romance with non con but I was craving something extremely unhinged...obsessive....dark...and u satisfied my cravings!!!..u r an amazing author...u have so so so much potential...i really hope u release a book some day!!!...u don't get afraid to cross the extreme dark lines and that's what I love the most about ur work..ur execution, plotline literally everything is so good !!..I love ur work!!...i will be reading ch 23 next....so excited!!...

thank you for posting

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Don't mind me. Just returning for my 800th re-read 😂 This is my comfort story.

Gotta start from the beginning again, so I can properly yap about it, can't believe this story is almost finished!

Knew Caleb was going to love the lengths Orla would go to keep him. Nothing says love (spoiler) like pushing someone down some stairs to keep your man. LOL! I'm very curious about how Max is going to factor in on Orla and Caleb's future plans. I have some ideas but am looking forward to how you tie that all up in more ways than one. This is riveting work, and I'm anxiously waiting the final chapter and epilogue. Maybe the finale will be our Halloween present? A dark, twisty, psyche-haunting end that is better than any bag of treats.

“ It occurs to me sometimes that people might not think I’m as awkward as I think I am, that I’m actually a likable person and people do genuinely enjoy being around me.”Sounds like me lol